Marriage Preparation Session on Communication

Marriage Preparation Session on Communication

“Living together is an art…This daily journey has rules that can be summed up in these… words which I have repeated many times to couples: ‘Please,’ or ‘May I, ‘Thank you,’ and ‘Excuse me.'” 

“It is necessary to know how to say thank you, in order to get along well together in married life.”-  Quotes from Pope Francis

A good marriage thrives on the open exchange of emotions, concerns, hopes, desires, and beliefs. In fact, communication is one of the important aspects of a satisfying and healthy marriage.  Most marriages go through rough times, which can change the way spouses communicate with each other.  As you prepare for the Sacrament of Marriage, this is an opportunity for you as an engaged couple to reflect upon the patterns of communication you already have with each other and ways that you would like to enhance and develop your relationship through better communication.  

BEFORE YOU BEGIN

Set aside at least two hours or more to work through these exercises on communication.  You will see that there is time for individual reflection followed by discussion together.  Please take the time to work through these pieces.  There is a lot to learn about effective communication and you are beginning a lifelong journey.  Set in place a solid foundation as you begin your married life together!

1. Read these slides and then complete the reflection sheet that follows.

2. Download and complete this Reflection Sheet separately.  Then share your individually completed sheets with each other and discuss your thoughts about communication.

Reflection Sheet

3. The Five Love Languages

The five love languages describe the way we feel loved and appreciated. Depending on our individual personality types, we may feel loved differently than how our spouse does. Understanding and decoding these different ways of showing love will help take the guesswork out of your spouse’s expectations and needs.

There are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

View the video below explaining the Five Love Languages.  Then read the Information Sheet about the Five Love Languages. 

After reading the Information Sheet, complete the reflection sheets separately.  Then discuss them together.

4. "I" Statements

An “I” statement is a style of communication that focuses on the feelings or beliefs of the speaker rather than thoughts and characteristics that the speaker attributes to the listener. For example, a person might say to his or her spouse, “I feel abandoned and worried when you consistently come home late without calling” instead of demanding, “Why are you never home on time?”  

An “I” statement can help a person become aware of problematic behavior and generally forces the speaker to take responsibility for his or her own thoughts and feelings rather than attributing them to someone else.

“I” statements can help foster positive communication in a marriage and may help the marriage become stronger, as sharing feelings and thoughts in an honest and open manner can help married couples to grow closer on an emotional level.

View the Video below and then complete the Activity Sheet together.

5. The Four Horsemen

In terms of a marriage, The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. 

Criticism refers to attacking or putting down your spouse’s personality or character rather than his or her behaviour itself. When you criticize your spouse, you are basically implying that there is something wrong with him or her.

Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behaviour that attacks your spouse’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him or her. It shows blatant disrespect for your spouse and puts you on a higher ground. Such behaviours include eye rolling, sneering, name-calling, hostile humour and sarcasm. Nothing is more destructive to love than contempt.

Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence or to ward off a perceived attack. Making excuses, cross-complaining and “yes-butting” are all forms of defensive behaviour. When feeling under attack, it’s understandable that people get defensive. That’s why it is such a difficult habit to break however, defensiveness rarely works because it’s really another form of blaming.

Stonewalling happens when rather than confronting the issues with your spouse you take evasive action such as tuning out or turning away. Common responses include stony silence, monosyllabic answers or changing the subject. There is a reluctance to express directly what you are thinking or feeling.  While some people use stonewalling as a way to calm themselves or the situation down, it seldom works because your spouse is likely to assume you don’t care enough about the problem to talk about it and finds it very upsetting to be ignored.

View the video below.  Read the Information Sheet.

Individually, complete and score the Self-Test.  Then discuss your self-tests together.

6. Kingdom Conversations

Read the slides and discuss together how Kingdom Conversations can help you to bring out the most positive and constructive responses from each other.

7. In Summary

Communication is an important part of your marriage.  Make it a melody of love!

Communication is to a marriage what oxygen is to life.  

Communication skills are commonly taught in marriage preparation classes, and for good reason.  Communication happens every day in a couple’s relationship.  Good communication solidifies a relationship while bad communication leads to misunderstandings. 

Pope Francis encourages married couples to see communication as a way of building communion: “creating closeness.”  When done respectfully and with love, simple requests, planning the day’s activities, and even constructive criticism can foster a sense of unity. Learning to listen well shows respect for the other person.  Married couples have a unique role in modeling how committed, loving communication is possible.

8. Preparing for the session via Zoom link to be scheduled.

Discuss these two questions in preparation for the session on COMMUNICATION via Zoom link and be prepared to discuss these questions during the online session.

What is our key take-away from this session on communication?

What is one piece of advice about communication that we would give to our future selves?